I'm not happy.

I hate New Jersey. I want to be in Illinois so, so bad. I will be in two days, but it won't be for long enough. I miss my home. I miss my family. I miss the smell of my dads coffee every Sunday morning and football blaring through our house. I miss getting all dressed up in the school spirit attire who's football team my dad coached on Friday nights. Even though it wasn't my high school I attended, I still was in their school colors from head to toe, just to support my daddy.

I miss cuddling with my brother Ayden, and singing "raise me up" at the top of my lungs with my brother Cody. I miss my sisters begging to me straighten their hair, and stealing my clothes. I miss my stepmom inviting me to her trips to Walmart and always buying me a little treat of some sort.

I miss my niece calling me Da Da dice, and the memory of her standing for the first time was such a joy. I miss getting my nails done with my sister Sam.

I miss my mom asking me for a ride to get her pay check, and then to the grocery store. I hated doing it so much because she always needed it done when I had plans already, but I couldn't tell my own mother "no". I would do anything to do that again.

Sitting at the kitchen table during lunch, Wil was looking through all the packets from colleges he picked up at the college fair today. They were all in either New Jersey or New York. I asked him, "why not look at colleges near St. Louis?", when I just got a laugh back. I was being serious.

Then I realized, I'm never going to call Illinois my home again. I will never get to live in the same state with my family again. My father will mostly be a stranger to my daughter besides Christmas and other small visits here, and there. It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart so, so much. I don't know what to do.

I'm so sad.