If you asked me a month ago, I would say I'm okay with talking about my miscarriage. I realized the hard way, that I'm not. The moment Wil's cousin told me she was pregnant, my baby craze went about 10 times higher than normal, which at normal, was a bit much. I now feel defeated, like I'm not even excited to take a pregnancy test like I was last month, because I just don't think I'm going to be pregnant, no matter how hard I try. I feel like giving up.
My newest, most senstitive pet peeve is now when people ask me about pregnancy, or complain. Complain about symptoms I'm praying I would have, that I would not hate to have, which I would thank god every day if I woke up puking, tired, with a headache, anything that could mean I was pregnant. I pray to have those symptoms. I pray every single damn day, but you complain about what that little blessing inside of you is doing to you.
Did you have this? Or that? Or this, when you were pregnant? Don't ask me these questions, especially not in public. Do you know what goes through my head when my husband and I are out with friends, and someone asks me if I had a symptom while I was pregnant, but I have no baby in my arms to make it look like I had a child? I feel obligated to explain I had a miscarriage to anyone around that may be confused, and it breaks my heart.
Oh, and the best part, don't ask me when, how, and what it was like when I started "spotting" before it went full on red blood crazyness when I had my miscarriage because you had pink spotting, but you found out it was normal, so nevermind. Normal? That's what the doctors told me when I called too, and look when I'm at now. I had a miscarriage.
Yesterday it just kept building up, up, and up, and I couldn't take it anymore. Instead of lashing out on the person who was making me feel this pain over and over again, with asking me questions, I lashed out on my husband.
Do you know what it feels like to be reminded of your miscarriage every single day? It's not like I don't think about it enough, but with people asking me questions while they're pregnant and ask me if it's normal, doesn't help, it just keeps adding on to the pain I already have. It was such a great birthday to deal with all of this..not.
Did you know I would have found out the gender of my baby this past week? When I added it up when I got pregnant, I was so excited to find out the week of my birthday. Now, I had to think "What if", and wonder if I did anything wrong, like I always to, that made my miscarriage happen.
So, I have decided my new anwser to any questions about miscarriage and pregnancy, is "I'm not a doctor, go ask a doctor." I've been so depressed the past two days. Happy birthday to me.
I hope you find peace with everything and I really do wish you all the best. Say whatever you need to say to get people to leave you the hell alone. People irk me. They really do. If they have questions, they should google. Feel better, Candice. :)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry girl, I know exactly how you feel and with people asking you a million questions which broke my heart more and more everytime I talked about it! Its hard, it really is and im not gonna lie to you and tell you it will get better,you will never get over the emotional pain and the dates that pass knowing it would have been his or her birthday! But look at it this way you will always have that baby as your guardian angel looking over you and your husband, who you will get to meet one day and then it will all be okay! Im praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI hope God gives you the strength to move past this. Your beautiful baby will always remain in your heart regardless, but I hope that things will get easier with time. People need to be more sensitive to your feelings. I couldn't imagine asking someone such questions. I feel bad for even speaking about pregnancy with you! I hope this pain passes.
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