The Rork's on Thirteenth Ave

I turned 9 weeks pregnant today. I've never been 9 weeks pregnant. Even though I should be very happy about this, and deep down I really am, my heart is still heavy.

It's weird going from 8 weeks pregnant to not pregnant at all. I remember laying in bed a few days after my miscarriage and getting an email from babycenter.com "9 weeks pregnant news". I wasn't 9 weeks pregnant. I wasn't pregnant at all.

Today I got that same e-mail, and it made me think about the first time how sad I was, and now my heart is heavy again. I'm so thankful for my rainbow baby growing inside of me. I always catch myself looking at my belly, or having my hand on it.

I still think about Baby R a lot. I still love baby R more than anything, and I miss baby R even though I never got to touch its little toes and kiss it's little face.

When rainbow baby is born, I believe a little bit of baby R will be with it, and that just makes me love it even more. I didn't replace baby R with rainbow baby.

I pray every day that rainbow baby has many, many more weeks inside me.