Heartbroken

I'm so heart broken. The past three days have taken a huge toll on me. Wednesday morning I posted a post about how horrible the day was going to be. If only I knew how horrible it would turn out..

I started having a dark brown discharge which I was told is normal. "Your uterus is growing for the baby, it's old blood leaving your uterus." I decided to take it easy, and I layed around the house all day. I didn't even do my school work, I just watched Criminal minds and toddlers in tiaras.

Wil got home and made me dinner. Pancakes, I love breakfast for dinner. He had to run out and get gas for work in the morning so he didn't have to stop before work, and I took Charlie on a little walk. As we were on our walk I got a weird feeling and I knew something wasn't right. I hurried home, and found red blood. I knew something was terribly wrong. Wil got home and we rushed the the Naval hospital. They diagnosed me with "threathened miscarriage". Which basically means, take it easy, your on bed rest, and that a miscarriage could happen. The next day I have an ultra sound. I asked the tech if she saw anything and she said "I'm not a doctor. Don't take my word on it, but I don't see anything that indicates a pregnancy.

My HCG came back in the 14,000's, which is correct for 8 weeks of pregnancy. Friday I got my blood drawn again, and at my doctors appointment an hour later, they told me the news, which I already knew since Wednesday. I knew it happend. My HCG's were in the 3,000's. I had a miscarriage.

Every site of a baby, or happy family can make me break down. Reading blogs about pregnant mommy's make me break down. Pictures of babie's make me break down. Typing this is going to make me break down. Hearing my parents cry when I told them, made me break down. Being afraid to tell all my friends and to announce it on Facebook like I announced my pregnancy is going to make me break down.

I don't want anyones sympthany. It just makes it worse. I don't want people to come up to me in person and say "i'm sorry., I'm sorry for your loss." It's going to make me break down.

The pain is nothing I've ever felt before. Physical and Emotional. It's the worst thing ever. I never, ever thought this would happen to me. I was so happy to be a "Mama to be". I couldn't wait, and now it's all gone. I'll never get to see if that baby was a boy or girl, or give it a name, or give Wil the family he deserves. I'll never get to hold it, or kiss it, or anything. It's gone and there's nothing I can do about it anymore. I'm not pregnant anymore. It's so weird not being able to say I'm pregnant. It's so weird thinking to myself 'I'm not pregnant anymore." and not being able to say because you HAD your baby.

I look in the mirror and look at my tummy and think "there was JUST a baby in there, but there's not anymore." It's serious the worst thing ever, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.





I'll be changing my blog around soon, since there's no longer a baby on the way.